So, I’ve been spending a lot of time talking to myself lately. One of the many things I’ve noticed is that procrastination and overworking seem to stem from the same source. This is based off of my own experience. If you don’t feel the same way, I’d love to hear about it!
That source is the…(stealing a lot of ideas from Stef’s video here)
Master-Slave Relationship
Imagine, if you will, a master trying to get his slave to clean the house. Since he is the master, and has all the power, all he needs to do is make an order.
Since the slave has no power over the master, he’ll do it. But he will do as bad a job as he can get away with, maybe he won’t sweep under the carpets, and he wont polish the silver as nicely as he could. Or maybe he will pretend that he “forgot” to do the bathroom. Or perhaps he’ll pretend that he didn’t even hear the order.
Now, translate this into a different relationship. The parent-child one.
Let’s imagine that there is a fairly controlling mother. (I know, that’s hard to imagine, so just do your best :) ) Now, she wants the kid to take out the garbage. She will probably just make it an order.
The child will do all the same things. He’ll put it off, pretend to forget, or just not pay it any attention so he actually forgets. He has no control over the situation. He can’t really just not ever do it.
It’s the same thing. The same relationship.
They Are Both In Your Head
Because people have an innate desire for control over their lives, and because the child above has no control, he will exercise it in other ways. Mainly with himself.
He’ll try to exert this control in at least two different ways:
- First, he’ll create orders that must be followed. He’ll punish himself with shame and anger for breaking these rules. I’ll call this part of him the “should-maker.” This part plays the master’s role.
- Second, he’ll try to ignore any impulses he gets that he doesn’t like. For example, if he feels anger, he’ll take comfort in learning how to sublimate it. The most important thing he’ll try to ignore is the orders of the master. This part of him is the “should-killer.” It plays the slave role.
They are at war with each other. Always the Maker is creating rules, and the Killer is ignoring them.
Procrastination
The rest of the kid will get caught in the crossfire. He’ll feel sleepy, so the Maker grabs that and creates a rule out of it:
“I should go to bed.”
The Killer hears this and does it’s best to ignore it. This happened for me all the time with reading books. It would always be.
“I’ll just read one more chapter.”
If the Killer is a stronger influence, few “shoulds” will manage to get through from thought to action. This is procrastination.
Workaholism
If the Should-Maker is a stronger influence, most of the “shoulds” will get through, and the person will be plagued by more and more rules for behavior.
I imagine this has a lot to do with the “cult of productivity” who are always traying to become more productive, better at managing their time.
“I should be more productive.” “I should exercise.” “I should network.”
Sign a Peace Treaty
There is a way to overcome this, and get out of the constant warfare. The way is to negotiate. This might sound a bit nutty, but just bear with me, it’s really working for me.
Imagine the Should-Maker, and the Should-Killer, and you all getting together. Sit down with a notepad and some paper, and bring your problems to the group. Write down their answers in a play. (You can split this into even more aspects if you’d like)
There are a couple things I suggest bringing to the attention of these parts of yourself.
- There is no such thing as a should. Thinking about things you want to do as “musts” and “shoulds” isn’t very accurate. Try to remember that you don’t have to do anything, and that you make whatever choices you want.
- Attacking yourself for failing to do something only reinforces the master-slave relationship. It creates fear and resentment in the part of you under attack. When you have a self attack kind of thought, try to imagine yourself yelling the same thing at a child. Remember, these parts of you were forged early on, so in a way you are yelling at a child.
- Try to remind the Maker how well this approach worked when your parents(or whoever) used it on you. I’d guess the results weren’t great.
- They both need to agree to make a commitment. The Maker needs to do what it can to be more gentle, to avoid attack, and to make suggestions rather than orders. The Killer needs to do commit to listening to your needs and desires better. When the two are working together and negotiating, great things can happen.
I find myself reminding these things to various parts of me on a recurring basis. But since I started, I’ve become much more productive in a non-icky way(For example, this is my first post in months). Just treat yourself like you would expect others to treat you. It’s a lot harder than it sounds. :)